Generally comfortable in my own skin, I have never been a glam girl who “puts on her face” every time I leave the house. I see a lot of #nakedface posts on Instagram and I chuckle because my naked face is my default, rather than a marked occasion. I actually have to remind myself that it’s okay to put on makeup sometimes.
But wise women before me have said that there is something valuable in deliberately making yourself attractive for your mate. When we are courting–not formally, but the act of wooing another person–we pull out all the stops. The shoes shine. Those fuzzy edges get the Chilli baby hair treatment. We whip out that special perfume never worn except in moments like these, for whip appeal.
Working from home has a way of turning every last bit of my black girl down. If I’m not stepping outside the house, what do I need to dress up for? Dooky twists are my go-to sleep style to avoid knotted-up hair in the morning; but some days, I do not bother to unravel the fat two-strand twists poking out from my head. On braid days, I channel Cynthia from Rugrats. The other day, I kissed my husband hello as he came home from the lab. My hair looked a wreck. I had intended to fix myself up, but the time slipped away while I worked. The next time he saw me 10 minutes later, I had a fluffy twistout and lip gloss popping. I felt foolish, like I belatedly shouted, “Surprise!” to someone who already unwrapped all the presents.
Which brings me to this question: How do married women navigate keeping their sexy while still keeping it funky?
I’m sure that my jeans-cami-bed hair uniform is not what Beyonce was talking about when she said, “I woke up like this” in her new song, “Flawless.” But this nonchalance is what love has blessed me with, the ability to live in my own skin with him, without apology. Sometimes, I forget to pretend to be bashful when I fart in front of him. And other times, I truly do feel embarrassed; um, my bad, babe, that one really did just slip. What mystique is there left to hide from someone who has peeked under the hood, rumbled the engine, and driven the car cross-country?
On the flip side, a couple of my friends went to a conservative college where they took a womanly course advising them to:
rearrange the furniture for their man’s visual delight;
line the children up stairstep-style to greet Dad at the door;
keep yourself alluring to him with makeup;
make sure dinner is hot when he sits down.
Those are all wonderful suggestions to make a husband feel special in his own home. At the same time, I wonder about the long-term viability of rushing to put on foundation and concealer in the morning before he wakes up. Flawless? I woke up like this. (Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s Maybelline?) The concept of narrowing beauty to something women adorn themselves with can leave little room to face one’s mirror and one’s lover and say: Naked, I am yet loveable.
I have this conversation with myself occasionally and never come to a solid conclusion. “Keeping it funky” is a layered phrase to me: 1) keeping it entirely real, farts, dooky twists and all; 2) spicing it up. Ultimately, I think that the balance between dolled up and comfy is an ongoing negotiation for me. I will keep plaiting my hair à la Cynthia to avoid split ends–non-negotiable. But it can be utterly fun and empowering to randomly slip on something eye-catching for an audience of one. Last week, I dressed up to work from home in leggings and a shirt that barely iced the top of my cakes. I moisturized my situation from head to toe and greeted him smelling like a chocolate candy cane.
He noticed. For the win.
How do you feel about the “comfy stage” of relationships? What’s your approach to keeping it funky–farts or otherwise?
dara t. mathis 
I agree that you should not just break wind at any point on purpose for the mere purpose of being comfortable with doing it. However, farting is natural and sometimes comes naturally without warning or preparation time (lol oops)….and if not released can cause you to become toxic and ill. So I say excuse yourself if you can or just say excuse me….There is no beauty like natural beauty. I applaud you for being comfortable in your own skin ” as is”. Natural woman should be what a man falls in love with (the REAL you) the blemishes and flawed aspects of your person in appearance b/c that is who you are. You are not I’m so wonderfully ” flawless” look how everything is so in place all the time (really). There is no such thing as flawless. If a woman was flawless WHY would she need to be made up? She is made up b/c of what she only THINKS are flaws. As we are all unique and wonderfully made. For me “natural state” is REAL and “made up” is MAKE BELIEVE. Not saying that I am against make up…I am just saying if he falls in love with Ms. Made Up Flawless…he will not appreciate the person you are in the morning…..Just PLAIN ole you. Also, as you mentioned when you do decide to enhance your natural he will enjoy it….but I am sure he will tell you how nice you look but will be wondering why you all made up for real. Seal the deal with real….or take the break with fake…
Well said!
I think in most relationships, you need a little face time before fart time is acceptable. If I just met you, man, woman, dog or rabbit, and you farting all around me and joking like we know each other, we will NOT be friends. lol
It took my fiancée about 3 years to start farting around me. She actually made such a big deal about being lady like that when it finally happened I laughed for a good 5 minutes. I knew there was no going back then. Personally, I dig the no make up thing when we’re chillin or just doing whatever. It definitely leaves room to be wowed when it’s time to get level 3 fly, and recently some ppl’s makeup game is so SERIOUS that they change identities when they beat their faces. Nah, son. Give me that real first. Well, at least some of it. Save the farts for after the first date.
Same, I find it hilarious when people feel the need to post pictures of their unmade up faces in order to get the validation from others that they are not as ugly as they think they are! Just have some confidence!
LOL. That’s hilarious. And nobody ever talks about pulling on dooky braids, that’s an interesting approach to it.
I agree. If my everyday look is “flawless,” what do I have to aspire to when I DO get all dressed up? More contouring in my makeup? lol. I just love the fact that women have varying stages of adornment and I can get good and glam when I need to 🙂
I don’t think we should be too worried about what our bodies do, at the end of the day we are all human. It is important to make the effort to keep some mystery alive and to make the effort some of the time, but it is also important for your partner or husband to see you as a real person who passes wind, has hair in certain places and so on.. We as women shouldn’t have to keep up this pretence every day when most men don’t bother to. Plus not making the effort on some days makes it all the more special when you dress up for dinner or something.. 🙂
I don’t mind dookie braids on women. At least I know I can pull them. As far as farts, I don’t really care, but I don’t typically do it around my lady and I’ve found she doesn’t do it around me. I do remember one time she fed me some greens though. :o( I’m pretty centered even when I sleep. My body is at rest, but my consciousness extends around me like a bubble. I’m usually aware of what’s going on around me and what my body is doing on a basic level, but I had no idea the fire works had started. Eventually, I heard one of the sonic booms and it jolted me out of my slumber. I wasn’t sure if I heard what I thought I heard. Her wide-eyed stare, visible even in the dead of night, told me everything I needed to know. “My bad,” I said. I turned my back to her and went back to sleep. I woke up that morning to find her sleeping in the living room. She never fed me greens again. :o)