Turning in My Selfie Resignation

The Internet is overrun with selfies. Some alluring, some precocious, some nerdy, some pretending they don’t know that a picture is being taken when the mirror shows the camera in their hand. Look away, act surprised selfies. Duck-lipped, pouty princess, queen of all bees selfies.

Other selfies are more artful, playing with light against the backdrop of a toilet seat; a headrest mountainous behind a cotton candy fro, a black photo attempting to highlight a silhouette.

Let’s face it; if it wasn’t so much fun to see how many times you can make the same face and look exactly-the-same-but-different, we wouldn’t take self-portraits. There are some incredibly talented selfie models out in Instagram land. I sit and thumb-scroll wondering how in the name of pixelated glory do their pics come out so perfect?!

I fully admit that I am not one of the glamorous IG girls. I feel most inspired to take a selfie when I feel cute. This does not happen often, people. Working from home means that only my Miniature Schnauzer sees my jeans and cami uniform. Dressing up requires documentation to remind myself that I do look better than bummy some days.

Previously, I would blame my photos on my dinosaur iPhone 3GS. Or the lighting was too poor in my hallway. Or bathroom, kitchen, bedroom, and living room. But no, I have to admit…I’m just a bad photographer.

I’ve always had rocky relationships with cameras. My smiles are uncertain, holdovers from the era when my teeth bucked and hee-hawed before braces bridled them. I lightly envy women who know just how to stand in front of a camera to look confident.  My social awkwardness transcends film. The end result is more of a sheepish “Cheese?” than “Cheese!”

Therefore, I have decided to turn in my selfie resignation. I give up. From here on out, photos of me will only be taken by conscripted third parties. I will no longer subject the Internets to sub-par bathroom self-portraits. No more cropping out shower curtains. No more 100-photo selfie sessions to get just. one. Instagram post. Finito.

That is, until I get a better iPhone. 🙂