Three years ago, I started playing NFL fantasy football (FFB) and I sucked at it. I had Eli Manning as my starting quarterback and a host of other players that I did not know what to do with.
It wasn’t for lack of knowing the game; I’ve been a football fan since my hometown team, the Buccaneers, wore orange creamsicle unis (1992). I’d sit on the couch every Sunday and listen to my dad teach me the game. Football became our bonding ritual. And when I moved away for school, I’d call him up to get play-by-plays of how many veins Chucky popped yelling at Brad Johnson’s errant throws.
I quit writing my Master’s thesis from 1:00 pm to 11:00 pm every Sunday, and from 8:00 pm to 11:00 pm on Mondays–even my then-boyfriend knew that NFL football was sacred. He learned to watch with me and never started conversations during a red-zone drive. So I married him!
When I joined a new FFB league two years ago, after playing one year, I wasn’t a complete novice. And I understood trash talk. Scrolling down the message board before the season’s opening, I saw this: “I see we have a few ladies in the league. We know ya’ll can’t really play FFB right. This is a man’s game.”
I really don’t know what they were expecting. A demure nod? A girlish giggle? A gracious bow-out before ignominious defeat? NAWL! I was heated! Perhaps I brought it on myself; after all, FFB is predominantly male-targeted. It was on! After I beat a few teams, someone else posted that the men could not let the women punk them like that.
That year, I won the championship for my FFB league and did a twinkle-toed curtsy on those fools.
Who said lightning never strikes twice? I also won the championship for the league in 2012 with no-name running backs and a previously unknown Colin Kaepernick! I am horrible at talking trash, but I did it anyway. For all the women out there who love football and who anguish Saturday nights over their second W/R choice: those wins were for you.
Needless to say, I’m back in the saddle for FFB 2013, and even if I don’t perform a hat trick (I used to be a hockey fan; go Lightning!), I plan on enjoying myself. I doubt any of my opponents will have any $@^! to toss my way after the enema I gave them two years in a row.
My FFB team name is Sugar and Spikes, because a win is so much sweeter when you spike the ball in their…yeah. To my league members, I say: mwah, minions! Watch the Queen conquer sexism one game at a time.